Are you a broken dreamer?
Did you wake up one day and realize that some part of you had died; either overnight during your sleep, or slowly, over time, in your waking life?
I have experienced both.
When my mother died, I was sleeping. I was newly 14, safe in bed, dreaming of ponies and open fields. Her hemorrhaging aneurism swiftly destroyed what I knew to be my future life at that time. I was at an age where I was just beginning to feel my righteous anger at life, at her, at life’s restrictions, and my own. And then I lost the compass that was meant to guide me through that, and with it, my sense of radical, entitled, freedom. My wings hung by my side and my heart lunged into the black hole. My instinct was to run in the other direction. So I did, mostly into trouble, loneliness, outrageous partying, sex and conflict. I spent most of my adult teenage years in detention at school, breaking social norms, fighting systems, protesting angrily. My reactions were not yet focused on new form, simply on destroying the old, in an effort to reclaim, re-find, my own freedom, my entitlement to life. I wanted my voice. I wanted to know who I was meant to be, who I was. That first death was my mother’s, my own happening in symbiosis – she was my home. My home was gone. So I went with it.
I do not regret any of this.
There are, however, times when it has made me feel so sad that I want to crawl inside a tree and hide in her body until the madness, including my own, is over. And there are times when I have felt so emotionally exposed, it’s as if I simply have no skin; so lost, that I have no thread. When I have felt frightened, overwhelmed, or simply under-qualified, I have had to negotiate with that same impulse in me, that wanted to run and hide. And I am learning to trust.
The second death, is the slow death, the one I’ve been in for years. Even as I rise, even as I fly, I have also experienced dying. It seems one cannot live without the other. An irony I wrestle – at times, dance – with. This second death is of my soul purpose. This is the slow one. And excruciatingly, existentially, painful. There may be nothing worse than not doing what you know you were born for. I lacked confidence. I had opinions… convictions, but lacked an ability to direct myself, to truly trust – I wasn’t sure if this universe was safe. This is still an issue for me. After years of therapy I continue to make peace with my compulsive need for freedom, for randomness, as it conflicts with my need to belong, to organize, to produce, to create, to speak truth… to be true.
If I am not truly me, I’d rather be dead.
I have learned to let myself be creative, expressive, and guided by the whisper of my own internal convictions, my abstract yet accurate sense of direction… to place myself in situations of excruciating vulnerability, in service of the whole. Of wholeness. This slow rise is bringing breath back into my body. My truth and my voice have been bringing me back to life, in front of you all. That, and the incredible support of my friends. There is more to say on this, but I save that for later.
An outgrowth of my personal work; I have a business, where I help people become truly themselves. We talk. A lot. And they do creative processes to become integrated; self-organizing, self-healing, self-directed. I do this with groups, with individuals, with students, with clients. I heal people through sound, the sound of my voice. I value the presence of each of us, as healed beings – I see our salvation in our collective healing. And I am not blind to the fact that my message is for my own salvation, in resonance with yours. The word salvation breaks down: ‘salve’ and ‘nation’. I am salving the nation that I call my self. I am healing myself as I heal others. And this term ‘nation’ applies to larger systems too. It’s not just people that I help – my focus has expanded to help heal systems themselves. This is huge. And overwhelming. And I need help when I’m doing it, because I am just one, in the whole. A system needs to become self-aware in order to become self-identifying, self-generating, self-maintaining. This is where co-operation comes into its own: co = with.
I was once a hurt and angry teenager. I swam silently, in my own suffering. I hid my sadness for fear of offending others. And simply offended them in other ways as a result. It’s taken decades, but I have learned to become more elegant, thoughtful, expressive, adamant. My angry has found its effectiveness. Instead of trying to destroy, I have refined my impulse, to seek re-creation. People actually want to listen to what I actually want to say. The humility and honor that that elicits in me is profound. I have turned my troubled mass into my fierce fibre; that which makes me stand and rabidly protest – in coherent sentences – like the madwoman that the absence of integrity elicits in me. I’m a radar for deceit, dishonor, moral dissonance. It’s a gift that, if I could give it back, I probably would. I know I’m not alone.
The journey ahead is a coming home to a new form of anger, a new form of fighting; of radical action, radical outreach. The second, righteous anger, an antidote to the second, slow, death.
So what has been this second, slow death, for me? My second death has been, over time, the cognitive dissonance in allowing groups of people to self-organize around the perpetuation of pain toward people and planet – with an apparent lack of will, or interest, to understand who we are as planet. Humans have astounded me in the ability to disrespect the living, whatever the ‘form’. Our focus as a species has been so utterly form-identified that we seem to have absolutely lost the aspect of ourselves that understands that quality of life, and that modality of movement is an expression of our belongingness. I have allowed people to abuse the planet – and even in our vocalized protest, it has continued.
Where does such hubris come from?
I seek inside consciousness for an answer, and it still ends up coming back to me. But, I have to ask, will those who seem hell bent on consumption and acquisition be at all affected by my own healing? I don’t expect them to care – I do not think them capable – but my philosophy of collective consciousness tells me there has to be some knock-on effect. For that reason I started to do three specific things. Two more internal, the other more external.
- Sound Prayers – one way to dive deep into the ocean, below the waves, into the Sound Field where I can commune with like-minded’s, focus on our togetherness and massage the sound field into remembering its capacity to generate true form. This is a regular live online practice – details in the link.
- Dynamic Emergence – the story and practice of how we can each work to become the truest, most powerful and sincere version of ourselves for the world, for our soul; to bring us, emerging, out of the second death, the slow death.
- YesCalifornia – the larger, external, ‘Nation’ that I seek to ‘salve’. Since part of my own suffering has been sitting on the sidelines watching people mess with my planet, and with other people’s dignity, I have decided to take a stand in an unexpected way. I believe in small, self-organizing ,communities. I believe in self-actualization. I believe in self-governance. I believe in honesty. I believe in transparency. I believe in evidence. As a broken dreamer, I know I need something to believe in again. And I need people to do that with. I need family. I need to experience fields of families, working together to achieve social transcendence. That’s part of my healing to work towards that, to contribute to that. In the external – an expression of that which guides my internal. So I’m involved here, for now. So long as it’s in integrity – which I think it is – I remain. I wish to see if we can start again, create a format of shared living that exemplifies practical, spiritual, communal values.
Fellow broken dreamers, in this new moment of time we find ourselves in globally, and particularly in America (the un-united States), we are faced with a new battle, to ward off a third – and absolutely final – death: The death trilogy; the death of genuine civilization, the death of our planet and the death of our souls. Each of these is serious enough. But all of these together is what we are facing now – right now. This extinction trilogy is on our doorsteps, at our feet, knocking on our harried hearts.
There is no time to be a broken dreamer any more – or, to put it another way – you are now absolutely needed; your broken dreamer soul is being called forward. You were broken for a reason. You will now heal through this collective motion of our time. It is specifically your time. It is specifically our dreamers time. It is time to mend through mindful, heart-healing, restorative, right action, to become, to convene, to convince. It is time to rise. Do something to find that righteous anger that lives in you, for both the quick and the slow deaths that we have witnessed, and experience, each and every day. These deaths will increase in size, presence, pace and impact… and so must we.
Broken dreamers, I call you. I call you now. Come and join me in this field of becoming. Let your dreamer self rise again. Believe again. Meet the barriers – they will dissolve. Ask for help – it will come. See justice in your own vision and hold it before every action – it awaits your conviction.
I love you. I love life. I want to experience what I know is possible, and I want to do it with you.
Thank you for reading.
Clare’s Bio: Clare is a sound-healer, international speaker, protector of the sacred, and educator for the creative potential of humanity. Clare has been a singer/songwriter, recording artist, performer and healer for many years. She researches Consciousness for Social Change and teaches Creativity & Innovation at SFSU & with individuals. She also has developed a theory Dynamic Emergence for our collective evolution – you can work with her individually, or as a social group. Musically, she has 7 CDs (available on her website) and has taken her knowledge of sound healing and conscious reality shifting onto many platforms including; radio, hospitals, conferences, workshops, ritual space and performs for sacred yoga and Labyrinth walks at Grace Cathedral, SF. She’s used Sound for her own healing and for deepening her relationship to the Sacred. She accompanies herself with Shruti and piano. Her work and music are at clarehedin.com & dynamicemergence.net.
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